i love freebies

my new place came with this free lawn chair.

attack of the ceiling fan

The other day I was hot so I decided to turn on the ceiling fan in the kitchen.

I went into the dining room to unpack and heard a really loud crash noise.

Apparently, one of the fan blades flew off and the ceiling fan was going crazy and wobbling around like it was trying to free itself!!

I had to run under this thing to get to the switch to turn it off, too! It was the scariest moment of my life. I even peed my pants a little.

Anywho....

I had the fan on the lowest setting. It wasn't a loose screw that caused it, either. The metal shaft (idk what to call it) was completely broken in half.

The weird thing is this is the second time something like this has happened to me. I'm just glad I wasn't in the line of fire when that fan blade flew off. I probably would have been decapitated. Or worse. :P

holding in farts

Wtf did I eat?!?!

Anyway, have you ever been in a shituation (lol) where you really need to fart but you know if you let it slip it will rip really loudly out of your ass and embarrass you? So you try to hold it in and you're squirming from the pain and discomfort of your unrelenting fart. Then all of a sudden it just gets sucked back into your body somewhere and you feel normal again. Fricken weird....

salmon feet

I just stepped in a plate of "salmon feast." Fricken awesome. My cats are weird. They lick all the gravy from their canned food and leave the meat chunks. Then I forget I fed it to them and step right in it with my bare feet. There's nothing quite like salmon chunks squishing between your toes.

ever dried off on toilet paper?

Well, don't. It breaks apart and sticks to you.

I suck at bowling

I'm about to go bowling with that dude I met. I hope I don't make a total ass of myself. Last time I went bowling with a guy I accidentally threw the ball behind me and hit my date in the nuts.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't work out.

I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to punch someone in the face

and a penny for every time I did.

how i feel about phones

I FUCKING HATE PHONES!!!!!!!!!!!!

All they ever do is ring and it drives me crazy!!!! I am being soooooooo serious! I cannot take the sound of a phone ringing!!!! And I don't want to fucking talk!!!!!!!!!!

The damn phone wouldn't stop ringing today so I kicked it's ass. Take that, phone.

I was going to save this phone for shooting practice, but I couldn't wait that long. It had to go.

This is so much cheaper than therapy.

i made a super-awesome couch

I decided today that one way or another I will have a couch in my living room in my apartment. I'm sick of sitting on the floor. It makes my butt hurt.

Anyway, in a moment of genius a brilliant thought struck me: I could make my own couch! I took an old lounger lawn chair and attached two large dog pillows to it (they were clean). Now I can relax and play my NES in style!

Thank you, brain!!